The 50,000 Beri Pickle
by eosdawnaurora
Summary: Nami needs someone to help her win a contest and Zoro just happens to be available. Prompt - Zoro/Nami: pretending to be a couple - Great plan, simple yet insane.


"Wake up!" said Nami, and Zoro felt a sandaled toe dig hard into his ribs.

"Grrnnnngfgh...what?" He opened his eye enough to squint up at her, and adjusted the sword hilt that was jabbing into his side because of the awkward angle at which he'd fallen asleep.

"I need you to come with me," she said with a wide, shady grin.

"Why?" He sat up, ruffled his hand back through his short green hair and then crossed his arms at her.

"Oh, just come on and I'll score some booze off of Sanji for you later."

"Why do I have the feeling I'll need it?" he mumbled, looking around the Sunny's deck for his other crewmates; empty, except for Franky banging on a piece of metal near the bridge. Pretty normal state of affairs when they were at dock and something crazy hadn't been started. He wondered what sort of scheme Nami had cooking, and why was she asking him anyway. She usually went shopping with Robin or Usopp when they made supply stops, which meant it wasn't that, and left one other option.

"How many beri are involved exactly?" he asked, as she grabbed his hand and dragged him up and towards the gangplank and then reluctantly ashore.

"50,000!"

"Pfff, is this really worth it?" It wasn't really that much money considering how high their bounties were, on the off-chance they got ambushed by someone who wanted to fight them. Not that they'd have any trouble, but he wasn't really in the mood to get involved in a fight that offered no challenge.

"It was the one thing at the festival that interested me," she explained with a shrug, avoiding looking him in the eyes. This was going to be something he never would have agreed to if she'd explained it back on the ship, that was for certain.

"Festival?"

"Come on!"

Nami led him like he was a goat on chain through the narrow streets, which steadily grew noisier and more crowded. Looking up he saw banners strung between the brick storefronts and houses proclaiming the "Moon Jelly Reef Pickle Festival".

"What the? What exactly do you need me here for?"

"You'll see," she said and with a vice-like grip on his forearm kept dragging him, until they stood in front of a sign-up booth before a cordoned area. Behind the booth, about twenty people, all adults as far as he could tell, sat in the rows of six tables across from each other, in obvious pairs. The sign above the booth said in great, green, block-print lettering "Annual Couples Pickle Eating Contest! 50,000 B Cash Prize!".

Zoro made a choked noise and side-eyed Nami. "Seriously?"

"This is the only contest where they're awarding money," she said, her eyes wide and sparkling like the sun-swept sea in excitement.

He resisted the urge to facepalm. "Why didn't you ask Luffy? He's a bigger eater than I am. Or Usopp for that matter." He didn't have to ask why she didn't look for Sanji.

"Because Luffy is playing with some kids at that water tower over there, and I don't want Usopp to get the wrong idea."

"What's that supposed to mean?" He knew Nami and Usopp were pretty close, but he'd never thought that it was even conceivable that it might tip over into something more; she was too selfish and he was too weird.

Nami smiled at him like some wicked wolfish creature, flipping a lock of her long red hair back over her shoulder. "That I'm not worried about your feelings. Anyway, you'll get forty-percent if we win."

He scowled back at her. "Only forty?"

"Contest finders fee," she said, making a thumbs-up in front of him. Trust Nami to find some way to wheedle more for herself.

"Dammit, let's just get this over with," he said, and watched in trepidation as Nami wrote two fake names in the entry log. At least he was hungry and would get some booze out of this.

He wasn't counting on what came next, however.

As a considerable crowd gathered around the contest area, Zoro realized that this must be one of the main events of the whole festival. Then the crowd parted and a stocky man, wearing a gray suit and a colorful ribbon on his lapel that had "Mayor" engraved on a gold button in the center, strode to the front of the tables and stood on top of a small, wooden platform there.

"Welcome to the 53rd annual Moon Jelly Reef Couples Pickle Eating Contest! I'm glad to see so many return contestants and we even have some new faces! And what a handsome crowd," he called out over much whooping and enthusiastic clapping from the gathered townspeople. "Bring out the jars, fellas!" the mayor yelled over the noise.

At his command, two young men wearing overalls, pulled the tarp off of a nearby cart, revealing that it was carefully packed with what looked like several hundred jars of pickled vegetables, eggs, fish and a few things Zoro couldn't identify.

"You'd better not throw up on me," Zoro mumbled and Nami narrowed her eyes at him.

"Eyes on the prize. And if you throw up on me, you have to buy me new clothes with your winnings," she said, accepting two jars from the man passing them out – one was full of some sort of round, green-and-red vegetable and the other was packed tight with silver-skinned fish, probably herring. He had already lost count of the ways that this was not worth any amount of booze and pocket change.

The crowd quieted down as soon as the jars were done being distributed, and the mayor spoke up again. "Ladies and gents, before we start this contest of love and intestinal fortitude, please take a moment to give your significant other a little good-luck kiss!"

"Eh?" Zoro called out, as he saw Nami's eyes go as wide as his own. She recovered faster than he did, and before he could stop her, she leaned over the table to brush her lips against his cheek. It was just a peck, like a nice waitress might have given him once or twice, but he still felt his face get hot. Nami didn't look embarrassed at all.

"Just play along. One kiss isn't going to kill you," she said grabbing the jar of herring and breaking the seal on the lid. The strong scent of vinegar, fish and bay leaves wafted out. "Anyway, have some fish. Too bad there aren't any crackers," she said, and plucked a fillet from the top, making a face and she tipped her head back like she was going to swallow it whole.

Gritting his teeth at her attitude, Zoro opened the jar of vegetables and hoped like hell that they weren't hot peppers; nope, they smelled like tomatoes. "What if we win though?" he grumbled. The crowd might expect them to do the kissing thing again. For real. With many misgivings, he popped one of the pickled tomatoes in his mouth. It was pretty good – maybe not a whole jar good, but good. The other couples were digging in with gusto, and if he was going to do this he was going to do it right.

"This is just business, Zoro, it doesn't mean anything. Trade me," she said while chewing, wiping her mouth on the back of her hand and pushing her jar in front of him.

The salt and vinegar were making his mouth pucker. "It does to all the rest of these people," he said with difficulty as he swallowed a mouthful of tomato pickles, sliding his already half-finished jar over to her to start in on the fish.

"We won't be here tomorrow."

"What if our crew sees us?" he hissed, between bites.

"I think that's what you're really concerned about," she said, her words half-garbled, from stuffing tomatoes in her mouth. "We'll tell them the truth. You can't stop now, so shut up, idiot, and just eat."

He gave her a dirty look, but kept going and they ate and ate and ate, taking on new jars once the ones in front of them were emptied. In less than a half an hour, they were the only pair still going strong. The crowd behind them kept cheering, as the last of the other couples besides them finally yielded and together promptly passed out on the ground.

Nami had a mouthful of radish, and Zoro was working on some eggplants as the mayor navigated around fallen competitors and puddles of vomit to their table, laden with empty jars and scraps of pickle. "And we have our winners!" he announced, holding up the arms of the victors.

Zoro eyed the mayor malevolently and belched, managing not to throw up, though he knew he was right on the verge. He could see that Nami was a bit green around the gills, but she was keeping her chin up, her eyes still full of ruthless determination.

So full it was almost uncomfortable to move, they were led to the front of the contest area to the low wooden platform. The raucous crowd, which seemed to have increased in size, continued to laud them. Zoro scanned the faces lazily with his good eye. He smelled smoke, and where there was smoke there was Sanji; then he heard Chopper's high-pitched yammering. "Great," he muttered. So much for getting in and out of this without a hassle.

"And now we crown Borro and Scami this year's King and Queen of Pickles!" the mayor exclaimed, producing a pair of flimsy silver-foil crowns and setting them atop their heads. Zoro's eyebrow twitched at the fake name Nami had given him, and he crossed his arms tightly, frowning, looking through the crowd for his rival. In his distraction, Zoro didn't hear the next thing the mayor said, but it was followed by Nami's anxious tug on his shirtsleeve, and an expectant, annoyed look.

"Kiss me," she whispered.

"Wai-" he tried to say, but it was too late. Her mouth was on his, and behind them the crowd roared in delight. Though the kiss itself was extremely brief, little more than a brush of warm skin on skin, there was more hooting and hollering from the audience - and then Zoro was fairly certain he heard a table crack in half, and part of it was about to slam into his head. He ducked, losing his crown, dragging Nami down like a rag doll as shattered planks flew overhead.

Nami popped up like she was on a spring and scowled, seeing Sanji standing out from the crowd. "Don't you dare mess this up, Sanji!" she yelled, as the mayor looked back and forth between them in confusion.

"What are you doing with that shitty marimo?" he roared and stomped, pointing rudely at Zoro, as if either of them honestly had any claim on Nami's affections – which Zoro hadn't even wanted, especially after being used like this. He supposed he could gloat about getting kissed, but it was stupid to do that if it didn't mean anything.

"Eating good food for once," Zoro snarled back from where he crouched. He stuck his finger in his ear, twisting it like he was trying to grind Sanji's voice out of his head before he bashed his face in with one of his scabbards. "She's just faking-"

"Shut up!" Nami yelled at him, kicking him in the side, as the crown slipped off her head. "Ahahaha! He's joking Mr. Mayor – we've been together for a long time. Ahaha! Where can we pick up our prize?"

The mayor looked suspicious, but rather than get in the line of fire he simply said, "The hospitality booth, ma'am. Please tell your friends not to break anything else."

"We'll try!" she said, grabbing Zoro by the elbow and stalking past Sanji like he wasn't there. "Let's go."


End file.
